Metal Gear Ed: The Twin Eds
by MeaningfulPlatypus
Summary: Metal Gear Solid cartoon style! Solid Ed must infiltrate Shadow Moses to stop CARTOON CARTOON FOXHOUND from destroying the world!
1. Prologue 'Infiltration'

Hey there. I thought It'd be cool if I replaced the cast of the Metal Gear Solid games with various cartoon characters. This here's the prologue. It's pretty straightforward, but the later chapters will get better, I promise.

SNAKE……Ed (Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy)

COLONEL CAMPBELL……Jerry (Totally Spies)

NAOMI……Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

KODAK conversation

Jerry: It's been a long time Ed.

Ed: I should've known you were behind this, Colonel Sanders.

Jerry: That's no way to greet an old war buddy Ed.

Ed: What do you want from me?

Jerry: I just invited you here so we could have a talk.

Ed: Cool! I've never been invited by armed soldiers before!

Jerry: Sorry if they were a little rough with you. But we've got a serious situation here. Only you can get us out of it.

Ed: I'm retired from CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND. You're not my commander anymore, and I don't have to take orders from you or anyone else.

Jerry: You will take these orders. I know it.

Jessica Rabbit: Excuse me.

Ed: Who's this?

Jerry: Dr. Jessica Rabbit. She's chief of CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND's medical staff and an expert in gene therapy.

Ed: Are you military?

Jessica Rabbit: No, civilian. I've been sent here from ATGC. Pleasure to meet you. Don't worry, this injection won't hurt a bit.

Ed: What's the shot for? Am I overdue?

Jessica Rabbit: What's wrong? You don't like shots?

Jerry: Ed, listen up. It all went down five hours ago. Heavily armed soldiers occupied Shadow Moses Island, a remote island off the coast of Alaska.

Ed: What kind of soldiers?

Jerry: Next-Generation Special Forces led by members of unit CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND. They've presented Washington with a single demand, and they say that if it isn't met, they'll launch a nuclear weapon.

Ed: A nuclear weapon? Like in the movie "Attack of the Three-Headed Alien's Warhead"?

Jerry: I'm afraid so. You see, the island is the site of a secret nuclear weapons disposal facility.

Ed: CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND hijacking a nuclear weapon? I've never known them to do that before.

Jerry: Now you understand how serious the situation is. You'll have two mission objectives. First, you're to rescue the DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) Chief, Professor Triple-Extra Large, and the president of ArmsTech, James Nixon McGarfield. They're both being held as hostages.

Ed: Those are some heavy-duty hostages.

Jerry: Secondly, you're to investigate whether or not the terrorists have the ability to launch a nuclear strike, and stop them if they do. Any questions, Ed?

Ed: Questions? Hmm…Oh! Should I eat buttered toast, or gravy?

Jerry: Well, you can make up your mind after you hear more about the situation.

Ed: Tell me about the nuclear weapons disposal facility. Sounds cool.

Jerry: The disposal facility includes a hardened underground base. Even with our most advanced intelligence gathering equipment, we can't tell what's happening inside.

Ed: So someone needs to penetrate, gather intelligence, and report back... Sounds like a spy movie. What's the insertion method?

Jerry: Well, an air insertion is impossible.

Ed: Aw…I wanted to fly like an eagle.

Jerry: We'll approach the disposal facility by sub.

Ed: Approach?

Jerry: Yes, within a few miles of it. The facility is equipped with sonar detection capability. They'd be able to hear our engine or propeller noise.

Ed: And then?

Jerry: We'll launch a one-man SDV (swimmer delivery vehicle).

Ed: Launch?

Jerry: Same as a torpedo. Only this has no propulsion device of its own. After the SDV gets as close as it can, dispose of it. From there on you'll have to swim.

Ed: You want me to swim in sub-zero Alaskan water? Even I am not that dumb Colonel.

Jerry: Don't worry. That suit represents the latest advances in poly-thermal technology. The nuclear weapons disposal facility covers the whole island. I'll contact you by Kodak after you reach your target.

Ed: Anyone going with me?

Jerry: As usual, this is a one-man infiltration mission.

Ed: I gotta get equipment and weapons as I go?

Jerry: Yes. This is a top-secret black op. Don't expect any official support.

Ed: The Chief of DARPA and the president of an arms manufacturing company... What business did they have at a nuclear weapons disposal facility?

Jerry: The truth is that secret exercises were being conducted at the time the terrorist group attacked.

Ed: Must be extremely important exercises if those two were directly involved. Were they testing some kind of new advanced weapon?

Jerry: I'm not privy to that information.

Ed: Do we know exactly where they're being held?

Jessica Rabbit: The DARPA chief has also been injected with a mini-transmitter. As you get closer you should be able to pick up his location on your radar.

Ed: Do they really have the ability to launch a nuclear missile? Or is this another joke?

Jerry: They say they do. They even gave us the serial number of the warhead they plan to use.

Ed: Was the number confirmed?

Jerry: I'm afraid so. At the very least, they've got their hands on a real nuclear warhead.

Ed: Isn't there some kind of safety device to prevent this kind of terrorism?

Jerry: Yes. Every missile and warhead in our arsenal is equipped with a PAL, which uses a discreet detonation code.

Ed: PAL? Like, 'you're my best pal" PAL?

Jerry: No. PAL, as in Permissive Action Link. A safety control system built into all nuclear weapons systems. But even so, we can't rest easy.

Ed: Why not?

Jerry: Because the DARPA Chief knows the detonation code.

Ed: But even if they have a nuclear warhead, it must've been removed from its missile. All the missiles on these disposal sites are supposed to be dismantled. It's not that easy to get your hands on a ballistic missile, cause you gotta calm it down first.

Jerry: That used to be true, but since the end of the Cold War you can get anything if you have enough money and the right connections.

Ed: So what exactly are they demanding?

Jerry: A person's remains.

Ed: Remains?

Jerry: That's right. To be more accurate, cell specimens which contain the individual's genome information.

Ed: Cell specimens? Why would they want that?

Jerry: The terrorists need them. You see, these Next-Generation Special Forces have been strengthened through gene therapy.

Ed: Strengthened?

Jerry: You've heard of the Human Genome Project. They've been mapping the human genome, and they're nearly finished. Following up on this research, the military has been working towards identifying those genes which are responsible for making effective soldiers.

Ed: There are jeans that do that?

Jerry: Yes, and using gene therapy they're able to transplant those genes into regular soldiers.

Ed: Jean therapy?

Jessica Rabbit: Ed, you're an idiot and you ask too many questions. I'll explain this part. With gene therapy, we can remove those genes which we know may lead to sickness or disease, and that the same time, splice in genes with beneficial effects such as resistance to cancer, for example.

Jerry: In other words, we can overcome all sorts of genetic diseases and at the same time add genetic characteristics as desired.

Ed: Okay, and so if you knew what jeans were responsible for making the perfect soldier, you could wear them in the same way, right?

Jessica Rabbit: Yes we could.

Jerry: But it all depends on being able to isolate and identify those "soldier genes".

Jessica Rabbit: And in order to do that, it's helpful to study the genome information of one of the greatest soldiers ever.

Ed: One of the greatest soldiers ever?

Jessica Rabbit: The man they call the greatest warrior of the twentieth century.

Ed: You don't mean Big Ed!

Jessica Rabbit: That's right. We've been working feverishly to identify the genes responsible for his incredible combat skill. So far we've discovered about sixty of the so-called "soldier genes."

Ed: So his body was recovered after all.

Jerry: Yes, and his cells have remained frozen in cryo-chamber. His genome information is a priceless treasure to mankind.

Ed: Priceless to the military perhaps.

Jessica Rabbit: His body was burned severely, but it was possible to restore his DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) profile from just a single strand of his hair.

Ed: You people are amazing. And then you're going to transplant those genes into soldiers?

Jessica Rabbit: Yes. We'll use a process that I discovered called gene targeting. The strongest soldiers don't become what they are by acquiring their skills through training or experience. We now know that hereditary factors are far more crucial for creating superior soldiers.

Jerry: Ed, we can't give them his body. It's potentially more dangerous than all the warheads on that island put together.

Jessica Rabbit: I hear the terrorists are calling themselves the "Sons of Big Ed."

Ed: The Sons of Big Ed…What's the time limit?

Jerry: 24 hours. They say they'll launch after 24 hours.

Ed: Did they say what the target will be? Like, D.C or something?

Jerry: So far they haven't mentioned a target.

Ed: When did the countdown start?

Jerry: 5 hours ago.

Ed: Colonel, who are you speaking for?

Jerry: Naturally, I'm representing the US government.

Ed: So who's in supervisory control of this operation?

Jerry: The President of the United States.

Ed: Which means that the President must be meeting with his top aides in the map room about now, huh?

Jerry: No at this point they're still video conferencing with each other.

Ed: If that's a real nuclear warhead, shouldn't they issue some kind of special operation?

Jerry: Not yet. The Secretary of Defense has operational control and is fully aware of the situation. After you infiltrate, if you determine they possess nuclear launch capabilities, a COG (Continuity of Government) will be issued.

Ed: Well, if they haven't relocated to nuclear shelter under Washington, I suppose there isn't that much reason to worry yet. Is the National Security Agency in on this?

Jerry: Yes. So is the DIA, the Defense Intelligence Agency.

Ed: The DIA? I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this. It sounds like you just made that name up.

Jerry: They'll be sending us some support.

Ed: We don't need desk jockeys. We need a nuclear weapons specialist.

Jerry: Of course. A nuclear weapons specialist has already been assigned to us.

Ed: We need backup from a specialist. I'm just an amateur when it comes to nuclear weapons.

Jerry: I know. That's why I've requested the assistance of a military analyst named Sam. She'll be providing you backup by Kodak.

Ed: A female analyst? Girls aren't supposed to be smart. They should cook and stuff.

Jerry: She's built up an impressive record as an advisor to the Nuclear Emergency Search Team. Contact her if you have any questions. She's also an expert on hi-tech weapons.

Ed: Where's she working?

Jerry: At her home in Los Angeles.

Ed: No fair. Well, How well armed are these terrorists? I know there was an exercise going on at the time they revolted.

Jerry: They're heavily armed, I'm afraid.

Ed: What about their battle experience?

Jerry: The six members of CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND in charge are all hardened veterans. They're tough enough to eat nails and ask for seconds.

Ed: I wouldn't expect anything less from CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND.

Jerry: The others are Next-Generation Special Forces. They're not your average grunts either.

Ed: Tell me about these Next-Generation Special Forces.

Jerry: They started out as an anti-terrorist special-ops unit made up of members from former biochem units, technical escort units, and the Nuclear Emergency Search Team. Their purpose was to respond to threats involving next-generation weapons of mass destruction, including NBC (nuclear/biological/chemical) weapons.

Jessica Rabbit: Until "they" were added that is.

Ed: Who's "they"?

Jerry: These guys didn't start out as regular army.

Ed: Looks like a pretty international group. Mercenaries?

Jerry: Yeah. And it gets worse. Most of them were from a merc agency that I think you're familiar with. They were part of Big Ed's private guard. And after Big Ed went down, the military just bought out all their contracts.

Ed: Outer Heaven.

Jerry: After that they were merged with our own VR unit, Force 21, and re-trained. If you ask me, these so-called "Next-Generation Special Forces" should be called "simulated soldiers." They have no real battle experience.

Ed: Video game players, huh? I've got something in common.

Jessica Rabbit: Don't forget they've all been strengthened with gene therapy. They carry genes which make them excellent soldiers. Don't get careless just because they don't have much experience.

Ed: I thought using genetically modified soldiers was prohibited by international law.

Jessica Rabbit: Yes, but those are just declarations, not actual treaties.

Jerry: The interesting thing is that nearly every member of the unit conspired in this attack.

Ed: How could an entire unit be convinced to rebel?

Jessica Rabbit: They're calling it a revolution.

Jerry: Since they all went through the same gene therapy, they probably felt closer than brothers did. They see the unit as their only family.

Ed: The Sons of Big Ed. But if they were regular army, they must've been interviewed periodically by army counselors.

Jerry: According to their files, they all got straight A's on their psychological tests. They all seemed like fine, upstanding patriotic soldiers.

Ed: But they all took part in the uprising?

Jerry: No. Several people didn't show up on the day of the exercise. That's why there was a resupply of troops.

Ed: Was there any sign recently that something might be wrong?

Jerry: There was a report a month ago that they were acting strangely.

Jessica Rabbit: Apparently they consulted classified information about the soldier genes and performed their own gene therapy experiments.

Ed: They can do that even without you?

Jessica Rabbit: Well our gene therapy process is almost completely automated. And besides that they're all geniuses with IQs over 180.

Jerry: Even the existence of this genome army is a national secret of the highest order. We'd been hoping to investigate this quietly and deal with it behind closed doors. Hi-Tech special forces unit CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND. Your former unit, and one that I was a commander of. An elite group combining firepower and expertise. They're every bit as good as when I was commanding them.

Ed: So they're still around.

Jerry: There are six members of CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND involved in this terrorist activity. Psycho Raven, with her powerful psychic abilities. Sniper Daphne Blake, the beautiful and deadly sharpshooter. Decoy Ditto, master of disguise. Vulcan Cyborg, giant and shaman. And Stu Griffin, specialist in interrogation and a formidable gunfighter.

Ed: Sounds like a lovely bunch of folks. Too bad we'll be meeting under these circumstances.

Jerry: And finally, in charge of them, CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND's squad leader, Liquid Edd.

Ed: Liquid Edd!

Jerry: Yes and you're the only person who can stand against him.

Ed: Liquid Edd…

Jerry: Liquid Edd. The man with the same name as you.

Ed: Tell me what you know.

Jerry: He fought in the Gulf War as a kid, the youngest person in the SAS (British Special Air Service). His job was to track down and destroy mobile SCUM missile launching platforms. You were there too I believe. Didn't you infiltrate western Iraq with a platoon of Green Berets?

Ed: I was just a kid myself back then.

Jerry: The details are classified, but it seems that originally he penetrated the Middle East as a sleeper for the SISSY.

Ed: He was a spy for the British Secret Intelligence Service of Sissy Yuts?

Jerry: But he never once showed his face in Century House. He was taken prisoner in Iraq, and after that there was no trace of him for several years. After you retired, he was rescued and became a member of CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND.

Ed: I thought that by the time I left they were no longer using codenames.

Jerry: I don't know his real name. That information is so highly classified that even I can't look at it. Here's a photo of him. Pretty shocking, huh? His skin tone is a little different, he has a chin, and he wears a black sock on his head, but otherwise you two are exact duplicates.

Ed: I have a twin? Sweet! We can share the same bathroom, eat the same cereal, and-

Jerry: I don't know the details, but it seems so. That's why we really need you for this mission.

Jessica Rabbit: You're the only one who can beat him. Now that I've met you, I know. You've got something he doesn't. I can see it in your eyes.

Ed: Why don't I find that thought more comforting? Colonel, I don't work for the government anymore. Let me go back to Twin Lakes.

Jerry: Why Ed? Is your life in Alaska all that great?

Ed: There's a dogsled race this week. Next Saturday I have to be in Anchorage.

Jerry: The Iditarod? The longest sled race in the world? When did you become a dog mushier?

Ed: Right now my fifty huskies are my only family. I've got to take care of them.

Jerry: Don't worry about your dogs.

Ed: What do you mean?

Jerry: I'm sorry Ed but this vessel is headed for the Bering Sea. There's no room for debate.

Ed: I told you, even if I do owe you I don't owe anything to this army or this country!

Jerry: You will accept this assignment!

Ed: Why should I be stupid enough to do that? I'm already stupid enough as it is. I'm no patriot.

Jerry: Ed, there's enough dirt in your file from your days as an agent to keep you in the stockade until you're a very old man.

Ed: Oh I see. Blackmail.

Jerry: No Ed. I prefer to look at it as helping you to come to a decision more easily. But anyway, I know you better than that. You'd take this assignment even without the threat.

Ed: Why do you say that?

Jerry: You're a natural born soldier. You're not the grow old gracefully type. Same for all of us who've seen real action. The only place we can feel truly alive is on the battlefield. I'm a solider too. I know those feelings of powerlessness, frustration that you feel everyday. You've tried to play the Boy Scout out there in Alaska, but you can't race dogs in the snow forever. Why don't you come back to us and be a soldier again?

Ed: You think my life is some kind of joke?

Jerry: Ed, I just want to give you back your purpose in life.

Ed: Colonel, you're retired. Why are you involved in this?

Jerry: Because there aren't many people who know CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND as well as I do.

Ed: Is that really the only reason?

Jerry: I've been soldiering for a long time, I don't know anything else. I guess even though I'm getting a little old, I still love to be in the field.

Ed: Colonel, you're a lousy liar. Tell me the real reason.

Jerry: Okay Ed. Sorry. I'll be frank. A person very dear to me is being held hostage.

Ed: Who is it?

Jerry: My niece. Nazz.

Ed: What was your niece doing here?

Jerry: Several soldiers were reported missing the day of the revolt. And my niece was one of those called in as an emergency replacement.

Ed: She looks nothing like you.

Jerry: She's my little brother's girl. He died in the Gulf War. Since then I've been watching after her.

Ed: A personal motive, Colonel. That's not very soldierly.

Jerry: I'm retired. I'm just an old man now. And I'm your friend.

Ed: Since when are we friends?

Jerry: I've thought of us as friends since the fall of Zanzibar.

Ed: With my personality I don't have too many friends.

Jerry: That's what I trust about you. It's what makes you human. Please Ed. Save my niece Nazz.

Ed: All right, but I have two conditions.

Jerry: Name them.

Ed: One, no more secrets between us. I want complete disclosure at all times. Two, I'll only accept orders from you, Colonel. No cutoffs involved okay?

Jerry: Agreed. That's why I was called. But one thing.

Ed: What?

Jerry: I'm not a colonel anymore. Just a retired old war-horse.

Ed: I understand, Colonel. That doctor. Is she part of this operation too?

Jerry: She was in charge of CARTOON CARTOON FOX-HOUND's gene therapy. She knows more about those men than anyone else does.

Ed: You mean you've seen them naked?

Jessica Rabbit: Make no mistake. I'm not a nurse. I'm a scientist.

Ed: By the way, what was that injection for?

Jessica Rabbit: It's a combination of nanomachines and an anti-freezing peptide so that your blood and other bodily fluids don't freeze, even at sub-arctic temperatures.

Ed: Nanomachines?

Jessica Rabbit: Not just one kind either. There are different types which will replenish the supply of adrenaline, nutrition and sugar in your bloodstream.

Ed: Now I don't have to worry about food.

Jessica Rabbit: I also put some Chunky Puffs in there. Ed: Say what? Jessica Rabbit: Chunky Puffs. They'll help improve your mental functioning.

Ed: It'll make me smarter huh? Anything else?

Jessica Rabbit: Jawbreakers. It's a type of stimulant. It'll keep you alert and responsive for twelve straight hours.

Ed: That was quite a cocktail. Anything else in there?

Jessica Rabbit: Those nanomachines will also keep your Kodak's batteries charged up.

Ed: I guess I can call you when I'm ready to go on a diet.

Jessica Rabbit: You're welcome.

Ed: I need to borrow your scissors.

Jessica Rabbit: What are you going to do?

Ed: Don't worry. Just going to clean myself up a little.

Jessica Rabbit: Huh?

Ed: I don't want to be mistaken for the leader of the terrorists.

A body in a scuba suit swims through the lower dock of an unknown facility. He lifts his head out of the water and sees someone: A teen with a black sock cap, three starnds of hair coming out of it, a large chin, and a black cloak with black shoes. He's talking with three soldiers: A woman with long red hair that looks gelled, a man with short blue hair, and a small cat with a golden object on it's forehead.

"Nice of you to stop by, Team Rocket. I've seen your horrendous performance record, so I'll skip right to the point: You're pathetic!" The teen in the hat yelled. The group known as Team Rocket cowered in fear. "I'm entrusting you with guard duty here. Stay alert! He'll be through here, I know it."

"What-what are you going to be doing, sir?"

"I'm going to go swat down a couple of bothersome flies." The teen walks off onto a cargo elevator. It disappears as it rises upwards into the darkness. The scuba man contacted someone via his Kodak.

"This is Ed. Jerry, can you hear me? Testing 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Q-"

"Yes Ed, I can hear you, loud and clear," said an annoyed British man on the other line.

"Looks like the elevator in the back is the only way up. That one guy just used it."

"Just as I thought. Well, take the elevator to the surface, but make sure no one sees you. If you need to contact me via Kodak, the frequency is 140.85. It will beep if we need to contact you. The Kodak directly stimulates the muscles in your ears. Only you will be able to hear it."

"Got it. I'm ready to go. Over and out." The scuba man climbs onto the concrete ground, breathing heavily. The suit drops to the ground, and he takes his mask off. A teen with yellow skin, no chin, a green jacket, red shirt with white stripes, blue pants, and black shoes. He has a blue bandana on the waves in the cold wind.

Solid Ed has begun his mission.

Ed Edd 'n Eddy 

THE TWIN EDS


	2. Chapter 1 'DARPA chief'

**CHAPTER 1:**

**Penetrate the Alaskan base**

"Jerry, it's Ed. I'm in front of the disposal facility."

"Excellent. I see all those Chunky Puffs haven't slowed you down."

"How's the diversionary operation going?"

"Two F-16s just took off and are headed your way. The terrorist's radar should have picked them up by now."

"Thanks." Ed was hiding behind a steel crate, the temperature, although mostly subdued by Jessica's medicine, still nipped at him. He then noticed a very strange looking aircraft. "Cool…Jerry, what's that thing? Looks like a plane on steroids."

"That's a Hind D, a Russian gunship. Though what it's doing here of all places is beyond me. Anyway, the diversion is working perfectly. Now's your best chance to slip in unnoticed."

"Right." He watched as the gunship flew off through the snow, throwing snow into the eyes of the other soldiers.

"Wow. Who'd fly a Hind in this kind of weather," said a girl on the Kodak.

"Yeah…Wait, who're you?"

"Oh sorry, I haven't introduced you two yet. This is Velma Dinkley. She was assigned to us as our visual and data processing specialist. She designed your Kodak, as well as your Soliton radar system. Contact her if you have any questions about either of them," Jerry explained.

"It's great to meet you, Solid Ed. Getting to know a legend such as yourself…"

"Ah. No thank are necessary, as I conquered Outer Heaven for the people, by the people, and…uh…chickens."

"Looks like we both have a lot to learn from each other," Velma commented.

"Ed, the best way to enter the base would be through one of the air ducts. There's too much risk of being spotted by the enemy through the front door."

"Oh. Jerry, you have any info on a group known as 'Team Rocket'?"

"Yes I do. Apparently, Team Rocket was an organized crime syndicate. They mostly were involved with poaching and smuggling weapons across various countries. They've since been disbanded, but some of the members managed to escape, like the three at the base there."

"Ok. Anything specific on these three guys?"

"Jessie, James, and Meowth. They were the worst squad in the whole organization, never once completing an assigned mission. Before the disbandment, they were in danger of dischargment."

"They should be fairly easy then." Sneaking past several guards, Ed eventually made it to a vent, crawling inside. As he moved about in the dust-filled corridor, he tried his hardest not to sneeze. Unfortunately, he failed. "ACHOO!"

"What was that?!" A guard yelled outside. Ed turned around and took out a small pistol. A tranquilizer gun fitted with a suppressor. Made of a combination of 2x4 technology, a spring, and darts, it was the ultimate in sleep-inducing weaponry.

"ACHOO!" Ed sneezed again. Looking straight ahead, he saw the guard look into the shaft, spotting him.

"Intruder!" Quickly, he shot the guard in the head, putting him quickly to sleep. Ed did the same to four other guards who had rushed over.

"Sleep tight." With that, he turned back around and crawled deeper into the base.

"I'm telling you! This snow-cone of mine will revolutionize the industry!" the man yelled. A large, round man with orange hair, a lab coat, and a giant lobster claw for his left arm. Jessie, the female with the long red hair, was not amused.

"I don't care, you idiot! What I want is the detonation code!" She yelled.

"But Jessie, I wouldn't mind a snow-cone right about now," James commented. The man with the orange hair handed him one.

"It's cherry flavored."

"Oh! My favorite!"

"Both of you, shut up!" Jessie yelled. She grabbed James by his hair and pulled him off as they left the jail cell. The red-haired man sighed, then heard a clunk as something landed on the ground behind him. It was Ed.

"Gha! Wh-Who are you?!"

"Hello, my name is Ed! I'll be saving you tonight. You're the DARPA chief, Triple Extra Large, right?"

"That's _Professor_ Triple Extra Large to you, pal! Formalities aside, just get me out of here already!"

"I am required to ask you some questions, sir. Do these terrorists really have the ability to launch a nuke?"

"What in blazes are you talking about?"

"A little birdy told me that the terrorists do. They're threatening the White House, and they'll launch an attack if we don't give in to their demands." This shocked Triple Extra Large.

"Oh sweet and sour cream soup! It…it IS possible for them to launch a nuclear device."

"But I thought this place was just for them to put their frozen dinners…and dismantled warheads."

"Listen boy, we were conducting experiments with a new type of weapon. A weapon able to launch a nuclear bomb from any location on the planet. Nuclear equipped walking battle tank."

"That sounds right familiar," Ed said. He thought for about two minutes, his brain not catching up with the information. "Uh…Wait! You mean Metal Gear?!"

"You mean…You knew? Metal Gear is a black operation so secret not even my top ten friends on MySpace knew about it! How do you of all people know?"

"I've had a couple of run-ins in the past. 'Big Ed' was responsible."

"Big Ed, of course! I remember now! Edward Elrik AKA 'Big Ed' was the whole reason the Metal Gear project was approved in the first place."

"So that's why you came to a Bob-forsaken place like this?"

"No, not initially. I came to Alaska 'cause it was the perfect place to perfect my perfect snow cone! I got caught up in all of this just so I'd have something to do on the side."

"Oh. But, after I kicked Big Ed's butt, I thought Metal Gear was scrapped?"

"On the contrary, it has become a joint project between ArmsTech and myself. We _were_ going to use this exercise as raw data and use it for mass production, if it weren't for the stinking revolution."

"The revolution?"

"Yes. Sex has fallen into the hands of the terrorists, and Liquid Edd."

"Sex?"

"Metal Gear Sex, the codename for the-" He noticed Ed snickering. "Stop that, you immature punk. Sex is the codename for the new Metal Gear."

"We can always use the PAL code, couldn't we?"

"You're smarter than you look. Yes, there is a PAL. It's set up to accept two different passwords in order to launch the device."

"Two passwords? You and the ArmsTech president probably know one each."

"Exactly. Unfortunately…" Triple Extra Large started sobbing.

"Aw…What's wrong?"

"They found out my password! But it wasn't my fault! That Raven, she…she's frightening."

"Raven?"

"A pale girl who moves among the shadows."

"So, she knows one now…"

"There is a way to stop the device, however. Three card keys. They were developed as a safety device to override the device. Whether or not the passwords are entered, those card keys should stop Metal Gear."

"Where are the keys, my good sir?"

"The ArmsTech president should have them. They should be keeping him in a room on the 2nd floor basement, where there's a lot of electronic jamming." The Professor paused for a moment. "Does the White House plan on giving in to the terrorist's demands?"

"Couldn't tell ya."

"Not even the Pentagon?" Suddenly, Triple Extra Large clutched his skull. He ran around the cell, banging his head against the walls. Ed had a look of horror on his face as the Professor finally fell to the floor. Not dead, but…frozen stiff.

"Jerry, what happened?!" Ed yelled.

"It looked as if it was a…brain-freeze," Jerry replied.

"A brain freeze…" Jessica Rabbit silently whispered to herself.

"Guys, are you hiding something from me?" Ed asked.

"Absolutely not. Ed, you've got to understand. The Secretary of Defense is in operational control. I'm just here for support," Jerry explained. "Enough of this squabbling. Ed, get out of there and find the ArmsTech president now!"

"…Ok." Ed walked out of the jail cell, only to feel a gun against the back of his head. It was held by a female soldier.

"…You killed the Professor!"

"No I didn't! He had some kind of brain-freeze, I swear to Bob!" Ed pleaded. He turned around to face the solider. Standard military uniform, but with a black mask on her face. All that was visible was her eyes. She looked back at him.

"Wha?…Liquid? Wait, no you're not."

"Is this your first time holding a gun? Your hands are shaking. Are you cold?"

"Careful, I'm no rookie!"

"Yes you are! I saw the prequel trilogy to Barf: Defender of the Bunion People. He held the exact same scared look you have, but he never fired his weapon. Can you fire the weapon, rookie?"

"I'm not a rookie!"

"So you're not one of them?

"Can you break down the door?"

"Why?"

"So we can get the hell out of here!" she yelled. Suddenly, a nearby door opened as enemy soldiers rushed in, guns ready to fire. Ed and the female soldier took battle stances. They then heard voices that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"Prepare…for trouble."

"And make it…double." Jessie and James dropped down onto the ground in strange poses.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the skies above!"

"Jessie…" she said, pulling out an AK-47.

"…James," he said, equipping two Browning pistols.

"Team Rocket, blasts off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!" Meowth then drops down to join his partners.

"Meowth, that's right!"

"…" Ed and the female soldier just stared at them.

"I see you've been left speechless. Yes, we tend to do that a lot," Jessie bragged.

"Looks like we got one washed-us wuss and a womanly resistance," James commented.

"Let's show these guys what happens to people who take on CARTOON CARTOON FOXHOUND!" Meowth added. Our heroes found themselves surrounded by enemy soldiers. Ed's eyes shot open as he pulled out his tranquilizer gun. He turned to the female soldier.

"Don't think! SHOOT!"


End file.
